In the Desert

I was unsure how to start this next installment. I’ve written it out a few times, but it never felt right or finished. So naturally, over a year after starting this series here is the newest part. Often, my words are inspired by scripture or stories. I hear Bible stories or worship lyrics, and I can see my life through that lens. I can’t just sit down and write; I have to be inspired, and then the words just come. I explain this because I truly don’t know what the writing process is like for others. It could be exactly the same, or it could be completely different. For the inspiration for this I heard a song about being the person willing to build the boat when there is no rain. That stuck with me. For so many years we had no rain. Despite that we kept our focus on remaining obedient to God’s calling in our lives and trusting that wherever we took us, we would be okay.

When I hear a time of life referred to as a desert, it truly sounds undesirable. Ours was not. We spent our wandering years in Colorado, trusting God and knowing that one day His plan would make sense. In Colorado, we absolutely lived life and loved where He had us. This time was about learning how to truly be alone together. We learned how to love each other better and what the other needed. We used this time to communicate and take all the weekend trips. Together, we navigated our first full-term pregnancy and the adventure that is your first child.

Maryland was different. From day one, we agreed that God was “keeping us uncomfortable.” We constantly knew it was not home, but we also knew that God had us there to learn. I finished my bachelor’s degree in Maryland. I started to fall apart when I found out I was pregnant again. This period was a time when God showed me I needed to lean into His community and surround myself with Godly mothers who were also doing what they could in their chapter. I learned so much about the stages and seasons of motherhood. I realized that one day, I could be the mom who takes someone a hot meal when they have a newborn or even just a hard day. For me, this was my season of hard days.

I originally titled this installment “The Prayers Unseen.” While fitting, the boat analogy speaks to my heart. What most people didn’t know is that each time Shaun and I boarded a plane home, I was mentally and emotionally preparing myself to be in Ohio. I still had panic attacks and sickness-inducing anxiety over the idea of running into someone from my past. I never felt safe coming back, and was relieved each time we left. I knew we would never live in Ohio (insert laughter of God HERE), so it was something I only had to deal with on trips.

Shortly after Kennedy turned a year old, we were blindsided by a second pregnancy. I cried for weeks. Meanwhile, Shaun was in the position we had always prayed for. For years, we said, “Once you have this job, we will have more time.” After about a year in that position, we realized that within the life we were currently pursuing, more time as a family was not achievable. I watched my best friend work his days away and then come home defeated, unable to achieve all the time with his children that we had always prayed for. We were both doing all we could to survive the day and falling into bed with just enough energy to tell each other, “I love you.”

God began whispering very clearly to me that I needed to start preparing my heart to return to Ohio. Like to live. Overall, I was hanging by a thread. God saw me and surrounded me with an entire village of women who built me up and loved me during what I now know were the hardest and loneliest years of my life.

Writing those words sounds so sad, but please know that these years built Shaun and I. They were important to our story, and I was never truly alone. I was surrounded by God and the people He put in my life to see that I did, in fact, survive having two children. We were building the boat. We were praying prayers we felt were going unanswered. We were working towards a life we were not sure would exist for us and our girls.

I am sure at this point in my story you are expecting to hear how we magically came to live in Ohio. Would you believe me if I told you there are three more moves coming? Comment below which states you think we journeyed to before finding our forever home in Ohio. One spoiler is, I do love Ohio and am happy to call this my home.

-Kären Rutledge